What If's

Just 4 more days until we leave...

I can't wait.
but I am really nervous...very very nervous.

what if
I am not blocked and they say "sorry lady, no problem here."?
what if
they tear my vein or some other freak incident occurs?
what if
it really really hurts?
what if
I need a stent and I have to tell them no, is that the right decision?
what if
after spending over $10,000 for this procedure, our car gets in a wreck, our house floods or the kids cause a freak accident and all our furniture is ruined...(okay that may be a stretch) and then we need that money for such emergencies?

and my biggest fear of all...

what if it doesn't work?

I have felt that Heavenly Father has been holding my hand through this entire experience
...since the beginning...
but my hand is still shaking with fear's...or tremoring. (a little MS humor)

I am trying to squeeze all the faith I can out of that mustard seed.
Allowing me to be able to stand and have the courage to conquer these fears.

Matt told me tonight that

Real faith is when you get off your knees,
and then you do everything in your power
to bring about what you are praying for.

So...even with all of my what if's?
I will now have faith AND courage to stand up and do my part.

even if
my legs are shaking...
but with fear this time and not from MS.

The Big Day or Days...

So I have my date...

my date to get

unclogged
router routed
unstuck
rerouted
cleared up
get things flowing again


January 3rd
Fly down to Costa Mesa, California
January 4th
My test day to see if I am plugged
January 5th
The big day of unplugging
January 6th
Follow up appointment with Doctor.
January 7th
My day to go to Disneyland.
January 8th
Fly home

Yes I said Disneyland...
So it HAPPENS to be only 11 miles from the doctors office.
And Disneyland HAPPENS to be my one of my favorite places to go...really.
So Matt said this trip is for me...so he is going to make sure going to Disneyland HAPPENS.
I love that man.
Technically I am supposed to stay in the area for two days after the procedure, so might as well make the best of it right?

Bad Plumbing?

Well I need to update, I would love to say all is well and I try REALLY hard to put on my happy face, but I just seem to be getting worse it seems...

I had my first fall a couple weeks ago. The connection telling my brain to pick up and move my right foot seemed to just not make it and down I went. Left a potato sized bruise on the top of my foot when I hit the vacuum on my way down to the floor. It happened so fast I didn't even understand it, but I knew my leg wasn't supposed to do that.

The spider crawling tingling and numbness that used to hang around only my feet have moved up to include my calves now in both my legs as now a daily constant companion.

The stabbing pain behind my eyes was a once in awhile symptom but now seems to have become a regular.

And now the new addition that has crept in lately is the jello legs. A weakness and balance disturbance in my legs, that seems to mirror the sensation of carefully walking across a log to cross a river, as each step needs concentration and focus. Bruises across my arms and legs attest to the fact that I have lost balance and wammed myself into a nearby wall or door.

And as recent as two days ago when making cookies with the kids, I was using a spatula to scoop a cookie up and all of a sudden in my right pinky finger I felt an electric pop, then a burst of spider tingles and finally it went completely numb for about 4 hours.

Someone sitting right next to me wouldn't have a clue that when I go to reach for my fork my hand tremors so bad that it is difficult to pick it up and sometimes I even drop it. It just looks like I overshot it and people drop things all the time.

MS is a very lonely disease and can be extremely depressing as you have no idea what each day will bring and have to thrown on a smile day in and day out. All the while having the greatest fear that all MS patients face, is wondering if this is the morning when you wake up and the numbness and tingling doesn't restore and we become wheelchair bound.

More times than not as I make my way across the soccer field to watch my boys games, and watch all the parents flow to the fields, I think, will one day I have to arrive in a wheelchair?

Or I think as I watch the kids dance around the Christmas tree, wondering will one Christmas in the future will have my sight have left me?

I didn't write this
to be Mrs. Gloom and Doom but to help understand the incredible blessing that Matt and I have prayerfully decided to embark on. This controversial treatment called The Liberation Treatment, has taken the medical community by storm and turned it on it's head. Essentially in a nutshell the theory is they have found a large number of MS patients have blockages in their veins, particular their jugular veins. Which in turn causes a backup of the flow of blood or a reflux back into the brain, which according to their theory may cause these lesions. This isn't a voodoo weirdo stuff. The best way to understand CCSVI in a nutshell is to watch the videos.

Now for the neigh sayers, we have not made this decision lightly. Through prayer and educating ourselves we have decided to fight aggressively in order to have the best quality of life while children are young and before I get any worse.
It is right for us.

And simply only those living with MS torturing their body or watching a loved one live day by day live with this disease would understand why this minimally invasive procedure is truly a blessing if it could help even one of my symptoms

so why wouldn't I try it?

Jessie our Cowgirl

Jessica wanted to be Jessie the Cowgirl this year for Halloween.
Her all time favorite Disney character.

"Mom, you can make it right???" she says.

Ah...yup....?

So... for under ten dollars.

and armed

with a
glue gun,
liquid glue
red yarn,
cowhide,
yellow fabric...

and a couple hours on Saturday morning.

Jessie the Cowgirl Was Born!!

BEFORE...picture day

One day we looked at the kids hair and thought.

When did they take on the
"Swiss Family Robinson
left them in the jungle for a year" look?

Did that happen over night?

Then we saw that picture day
was on the calendar for the
next day and told them the big news
that hair cuts were on the adjenda for that night.

Everyone turned on us quickly so I decided to do a "mock" photo shoot
the night before because they didnt' believe me that
the look they wanted to keep, wasn't one they were going to love later in their photo's.
But what do I know?

Hunter said we could go just a TINY bit above his eyebrows but that was IT!
I had other ideas....


Logan said "What?! He thinks he looks AWESOME!"



Jessica, well she doesn't really do hair cuts. Just hair maintenance.



So the end result??

Aren't they just cutie's!!

Dang Canned Pineapple!

All from an altercation with a self peel can of pineapple. Those are wretched things. Hunter almost lost his thumb. Well not really. But my stomach thought so when I took at look at it hanging there feebly as he turned and looked at me and screamed.
I would like to say he took it well, but when he was waiting to get the seven stitches the anticipation was all too much for him. They had us waiting in that little room for what seemed like forever I think they were waiting for the little silk worms to spin the thread for his stiches before they could come, for that is how long it felt we sat there.

You would think I was sitting there comforting him, which I was, for a good long time. But finally after one of the moans I told him to just go towards the light....

Finally after his thumb was good and numb he took another position. He perked up and was extrememly interested in what the doctor was doing and if she would of let him, would of stitched up his own thumb. Amazing how once your pain leaves what you can do.

When it was all done,

Hunter says to the doctor,

"Woah that was a lot of blood eh?"

She looks at the tray with the three pea size dots on the tissue, less than a nose bleed and says,

"That?!"

He says, "Ya, all that blood there."

She says, "Yaaa."

He seemed content with her answer. But didn't seem to pick up on her sarcasm thankfully.

Hunter made it through his first set of stitches. Logan greeted him later and asked him how it went. Hunter told him all about the blood and the whole ordeal.

Logan who is our veteran stitch man of 4 sets of stitches just listened wide eyed and intently.
Never stealing his thunder, what a sweetie.

Dusting Myself Off

Okay....

I wiped the dust off...
slowly picked myself up.

And now.
I am going to

Rock THIS.

Like I know I can....

Like I have in the past.

as long as I have my

Heavenly Father.
Attitude.
Humor.
Family and Friends

I will be just fine.

Soo....

I grabbed my purse and headed to

Fred Myer.

I know they have a few aisles of health food items that according to my pile of books are of interest of me now. Previously I have never set foot in these aisles. In fact they had a particular smell that wasn't too inviting.

Do you know what the difference is between a health food aisle and a regular aisle?

Regular Aisles have Pictures.

I like pictures.

This aisle had tons of words and numbers.
And....here is a question for you...
if a mulit vitamin says it has 500mg of a particular thing.
And you need 1200.
Then do you buy a SEPARATE bottle of the difference? How much do you calculate you will get from food?

My head hurts.
Now I am thinking I need a special budget just for all the vitamins.

I think you need to go to school to just GO into this aisle.
I stood in that aisle for literally 45 minutes.

There are a lot of interesting people that frequent this aisle. Another reason why I don't.

I kept getting confused.
I hadn't really decided what team I am on yet?

pro PROBIOTICS no acid, no sugar diet
pro Extreme Low Fat, NO Gluten, No Dairy, No Sugar
pro Paleolithic Diet (I dunno if this is the same? see the confusion?)

So I pulled out my blackberry and thought,
"who could I google that should tell me what to put in my body and be healthy?"

Dr. Oz?

This didn't help much.

Finally after the sales associate asked me for the third time if I needed help, seemed upset that I wasn't finding what I needed, I decided to give up and go home.

And you know what I think.

There is far too many products out there...
some one could get hurt.

Reality Punching Hard

Disclaimer: This isn't a pity post: I just want to document my journey, good and the bad.

It has been 11 days since I was diagnosed and I think at about 1 week it hit me.

I don't want to be in a wheelchair.

I REALLY don't want to be in a wheelchair.

Then I started to cry and I haven't really stopped since.

I think it sunk in...
and it hit really hard.

I got a cold or something too
so that is probably compounding the problem because a regular cold feels like mono for me. So I spent a lonely last 4 days in bed.

Thinking.

My happiness and peace over the diagnosis lasted a big 7 days.

Big woop.

Now I am Devastated.
Scared.
Confused.
Angry.
Alone.
Frustrated.
and find new ways to hide tears from my kids.

I have pleaded to my Heavenly Father to guide me to ways to help myself in this journey.

It could be the recent loss of complete feeling in both my heels.
When I walk I can't even feel the carpet when my heels touch the ground. Eventually people that end up in wheelchairs, their legs become so numb they have no other choice.

I want to have a choice.

to not end up in a wheelchair in my 30's.

So as I mentioned to a friend the other day.
If I have to eat tree bark and sap everyday I will do it.

Growing Horns

Tonight we told the kids that I had MS.
Well Matt, did.
I sat there with a really big smile
trying to look as
happy, normal and un-sick-like as I could.

Jessica said "oh." holding a pillow.

Logan we weren't sure heard and kept tossing the pillow in the air.

Hunter buried his head in the pillow and started to cry.

We were both unprepared for all of their reactions. They had heard the word MS floating around the house the last few months and that basically the mood was that we were all rooting for
mommy NOT to have it.
Soo....

We decided to quickly explain what it was and I whipped out a
computer cord showing how it
represented our nerves connected to our spinal cord and brain.

I explained how the coating around the nerves (or cord) in my body are breaking down and the Myelin sheath is getting destroyed. Thus MS.

(Which causes insane pain as you end up getting down to raw nerves without coating, the chance of eventual immobility to a wheelchair, chance of blindness
but we skipped that part we were on a need to know basis.
We didn't need them all blubbering. )




We then told them.

Mommy won't die.
MS is not contagious.
There is no cure yet, but they are working on it.

and we want to work together as a family on this.

and most of all
Mommy's won't grow horns.
So stop looking at me funny.

I think they silently wondered if the prayer, song and treat were going follow it all seemed very similar to a family home evening lesson. I think they all were pretty satisfied and ran off to play.

A little later. Hunter came outside and sat with me out on the swing. He asked me a lot more deeper questions and basically wanted to know how he could help and
felt perplexed about it all.

He had decided he was going to find a way to save money for a cure and then he said.
"Mom, if it get's really bad, I will sell my swords."

This was a big deal.
Because these were the swords he recently inherited and found out were worth a lot of money.....AND fell in love with.

I wonder if "really bad" was when I grew horns?

MUD

(this is one of the earlier clean shots)

FREE

CREATIVE
ENTERTAINMENT FOR HOURS
all in our own backyard.

Come on over. Send your kids to play in our

MUD.

Jess and Logan literally took 5 baths in 48 hours this weekend.
(I have been known to exaggerate..sometimes...but not this time folks)

Due to their new OBSESSION with

MUD MADNESS.

Clever Cutie

I mentioned I needed to look into getting a maid.

I don't know if I could get anyone as clever as this cutie?

And, I know I would kill myself trying to clean before the maid came.
So we didn't look like we weren't really as dirty as we really were.
Because I am cool like that.

Diagnoses Day

Today Matt and I drove up to Virgina Mason in Seattle to see the head of the
MS department of neurology and get some answers.

All morning I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.
I kept suggesting the idea of ditching the whole idea and going to do something more fun...
I am sure there were a million better things to do.
Matt said he would drag me by my heels if he needed to.

We were greeted by an enormous board of doctor's names that could of been close to a thousand and made me start to feel dizzy and tired just looking at it.
I was close to bolting...if I could just walk.
After getting lost we finally made it to the right place.

We met my Dr's nurse who cheerfully said,
"Are you a new patient?"
I said yes.
He then happily says
"Welcome to Virginia Mason we are happy to have you here!"

I thought how he could of replaced "Virginia Mason" with "Disneyland" and it would of sounded the same. He was very chipper.
I didn't feel his same enthusiasm to be there.

After he left and Matt was flipping through a magazine I quietly sat waiting thinking,
"What if she comes in and tell's me I AM crazy....I have started down this road, and it ends up her saying it IS in my head."
I thought I was going to throw up.

My doctor comes in and sits down and casually says.
"What can I do for you?"
Like I am needing to order curtains and need assistance.

She sees my confusion and says,"Just start from the beginning"

I felt scattered and nervous trying to explain and summarize years of symptoms and agony for the next 20 minutes. And thinking after explaining every symptom, I must of lost her by now and I am sounding very crazy.

She thinks I am crazy. I just know it.

Finally I stop and ask, "Am I totally confusing you?"

She answered, "No you are doing very well actually."

I liked her after that.

She pops in my my brain MRI DVD and mumbles how great and clear the images are. I instantly think...Oh great, here it is... she is going to say, "Looks normal to me.... I don't know what is wrong you."

After more medical mumble and very impressive unspellable big words come from her mouth.

She sits back on her chair and says that she can see 8 or so lesions in my brain scan and that I have Multiple Sclerosis.....

She said it. Just like that. And then sentence didn't end in crazy.

She also didn't say...
nothing here buddy...nope can't see anything....or what are you doing wasting my time lady, get outta here!

Nope, she said it is Multiple Sclerosis.

I then said... "could it be migraines?"
She said...."do you get headaches?"

no.

I then said...."could it be lyme disease?"
She said...."did you get a bite at anytime?"

no.

She went on to explain why she believes it is multiple sclerosis and not anything else and that according the brain scan it is at the beginning and mild.

However my symptoms are bad and severe....

glad she noticed.

She said you can show mild lesions and have severe symptoms and the symptoms don't match the symptoms just help confirm the diagnosis.

Ya whooo. I am not crazy.

I knew it! Sort of.

So then she ordered a spine MRI because she was worried it was going to show the rest of the lesions, and a spinal tap to be done right away so she can find out what kind I have and how severe it is.

Bring it on.

So there you have it. I have Multiple Sclerosis.

I am not crazy,
I am not just lazy,
and I am not just a really slow walker.

So what to do first?....

1. First thing I need to do is figure out how to spell it right because I have had to have "spell check" fix it each time I write it.

2. Second thing is look into a getting a maid.

3. Third...google search "cool looking wheelchairs"

How do I feel?
At peace.

I have been suffering in silence with SOMETHING for a very long time. And just haven't had a name. How do you tackle a nameless trial?

Now I can take Multiple Sclerosis by the horns...

In the Waiting Room

I feel like I have been
in the waiting room
for awhile now.

I have been waiting
to go to the Seattle MS clinic
for my appointment to
FINALLY
see the neurologist and
get some answers.

My waiting ends this Thursday.

September 2

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.
So don't hang around me in the
next day or so before my appointment
or I may end up in a pile of tears
then to laughter
and then back to tears,
a couple times through the conversation!

Not sure what I
should feel, so I have
been trying them all out.

Sigh...
just filling
you in for those who
wondered if anything happened
from my lack of blogging...

Nope...just in the waiting room.

Jelly Bellies

Early this morning...

way before I would of liked to awaken....
I was greeted to a charly horse cramp in my left leg
accompanied with electric pulses shooting up it.

Shortly after I received
a numb left ring finger and pinky with some buzzing.

Next, a feeling like somebodies finger was jabbing the top of my left eye.

Yesterday it was a numb tongue and side of face and fingers that would tremor when I typed.

It's like all like eating a
bag of Jelly Bellies...



You never know what you are going to get
and some are worse than others.

Except I think I am eating the Harry Potter ones...
as they aren't too pleasant.

Finally Made It

Finally 10 years later.
Matt and I return to visit my grandma in
Cardston, Alberta.

Also where 13 years ago two crazy kids were married.

For Forever and Always...

I remember growing up each summer and
driving the 12 plus hours to visit my Grandma and Grandpa.

We would arrive most often at night.... blurry eyed and half asleep...we then would be welcomed after what seems like days of farm land, shining brighter
than would ever seem possible
amongst the black of the night....
the temple.
It was a welcomed visitor in the black night
a piece of heaven just glowing with all it's might.

And it meant you had
finally made it.


Now years later as I drive my children in what seems like days of farmland and remember how I used to feel the first time seeing the temple each time I came, and being able to watch them experience that now too...these are now the
moments I cherish.



Now as I am older it has become more to me than just a symbol of beauty and majesty.
The temple especially now is both literally and spiritually
my bright spot in my darkness.

Blasting It

Press Play...
(mom...it is the one that is the shape of a triangle)



In high school...

I would love to drive around the city
by myself blasting my music singing at the top of my lungs...

In a city of millions,
I could disappear in the crowd of people and they wouldn't even notice or care
as they see me using my thumb as a microphone.
(Actually it was probably was pretty normal.)

It made everything I was thinking be put on pause and
go away...just for a moment, leaving just me and the beat...
always putting me in a really good mood.

In college...

I used to love to run on the track when it was dark
(okay... the "love" wasn't for the running)
by myself and blast my music in my ears.
but I refrained from singing...I might have classes with these people.

Now...

when life gets where I just want to be able to just slip away
and take time to just
breathe, smile, and sing loudly
with my thumb mic.

So last night I got in the car, all by myself
and blasted the music nice and loud
smiling the whole time.

I hope I don't recognize any of the people who passed me...this town is small.

Staying Put

"We all face those times
When our confidence fades
And the path of our life

seems unclear."

I saw this quote yesterday.

It about sums up how I am feeling.

I am not sure I have the strength to fight this one.

Since publicly bring to the surface
what has been common life
for me for quite some time.

All the different responses, reactions, discussions, and words sent my way....

I am more lost than ever.


I really just feel like standing still.

Can I do that?



I know in most scenario's standing still and doing nothing doesn't work out.

weight-
eventually you end up ten pounds heavier and completely flabbergasted how it ever got there?

testimony-
do nothing and you will get exactly what you put in. Dive in, and the rewards are heaven sent.

garden-
leave this one alone and you wonder if your neighbor came in and sabotaged it because there was no way you left that many weeds.

raising kids-
not a lot of standing still happening. But sometimes you take a" break" from certain areas and before you know it you can't believe they just performed the alphabet in burps, hasn't changed their socks in 3 days, and their flimsy attempt at teeth brushing will lead them to a smile that involves 14 quartet gold caps across the front and a backwards hat...then I realize some reteaching is in order.

eyebrow plucking-
do nothing on this one and one morning you look in the mirror and then instantly turn to yell at your husband for not telling you the state of eyebrows before going out in public, which are taking on a similar look to your garden.

your failing health-
can I break the rule and just do nothing?


I think I am going to try and see what happens.

I am not up for the fight or challenge...

I am just too tired, twitchy, hurting, dizzy and can't see too well.

so it really isn't a fair fight.

Recipe for Tears

Everyone has something that makes them cry.

Mine is my body....
I think I got a lemon.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to take a fun filled ride in the
ambulance to the hospital with a severe dizzy attack that landed me on my back with the world going around like a tilt a whirl on speed...
out of the blue
while walking on the track with some friends.


Constant marry go round dizziness
is common daily practice for me these days.

a few others too....

like...

electric buzzing in my legs
like I am standing on a vibrating machine, along with the occasional body tremors popping up under my skin feeling like little ants doing the macarana. They especially like to come out and play when I am typing or trying to put on eyeliner, surprising you all of a sudden by moving my finger round about like I am some miniature mechanical bull ride for them.

throw in a...

a little face numbness every once in awhile. Feeling constantly like your face is coming out from a trip to the dentist but clear up by my eye.

then add a pinch of

memory loss, loss of focus, brain fog
giving you a funny tunnel vision feeling.
So if I forgot your birthday let say this is why.

heaps of

body fatigue and muscle weakness, you know the kind that you are left with after you completed a marathon or walked through the park with those 5o pound weights strapped on your legs...except without the benefits of saying you completed a marathon and tone abs. Dang.

don't forget the...

Muscle cramps.
Where would I be without those dang muscle cramps in my thighs?
The ones that leave consistent bruises the size of golf balls on my thighs from trying to pound them out.
Ever have one?
Oh they are just great fun... Just take a seat on the couch, then lift your leg out straight and I will check in with your in about 5 hours.
Got a cramp?
Ya, me too.

Finally top it all off with...

the lovely bathroom surprise.

What is it, you say?
As soon as you sit back down after coming from the bathroom you are greeted with
a hot poker burning in my lady parts just to feel extra peachy.
Surprise!
And you don't even know if it will last 2 minutes or 2 hours.
Surprise!

Mix it all together...

Then what are you left with?

A recipe for big fat tears.

I think it is okay to cry

and say "this really sucks!"

once in a while.

Why?

Because it is then Heavenly Father is waiting for you with open arms to say.

I know and I am with you.

I think we all have our own recipe for tears.

Just different ingredients.

And I think
Heavenly Father is waiting for us to come to Him
with what we have. Waiting to cry to Him.

Some of these things have been happening
for awhile.
some came and went
and are back again with gusto
and others are new and very scary.

I had an MRI done a month ago...

they found spots.

high signal lesions was the techno term.

But they tell you...

it may be from migraines...

You know...the ONE ingredient I DON'T get.

Or they say it may be the big

MS

or they say...

it might not.

They have
poked, prodded, tested, & medicated

for a couple months,
then left me finally...

with less blood in my veins then when I started...
having read ALL the People magazines in the waiting room wondering what is going to become of Lindsay Lohan?
and ten pounds heavier thanks to these stupid little pills.

This has been a fantastic recipe.

finally my doc says....

she don't have all the pieces yet...call me with any new symptoms
(more ingredients!! My recipe is chalk full already.)





and...
you have my complete cooperation to go to the BIG city for more...
poking, prodding, testing, and medication...

can't wait.

Love it when they can finally admit the town is fabulous for
family values
great parks
low crime
strong community.

But if you have something more going on than a fish hook stuck in your toe.
(Doc Hollywood movie)

you best be moving on.

I decided that I shouldn't be punished for their lack of knowledge

So...pursue I will.

but...tomorrow.

For today...

I will just cry.

Perks

One of Matt's perks knowing
lots of
orchardist's
is
buckets and buckets of
FREE fruit fresh
off the vine...or tree.

Yum.

I ate more than I picked.