What If's

Just 4 more days until we leave...

I can't wait.
but I am really nervous...very very nervous.

what if
I am not blocked and they say "sorry lady, no problem here."?
what if
they tear my vein or some other freak incident occurs?
what if
it really really hurts?
what if
I need a stent and I have to tell them no, is that the right decision?
what if
after spending over $10,000 for this procedure, our car gets in a wreck, our house floods or the kids cause a freak accident and all our furniture is ruined...(okay that may be a stretch) and then we need that money for such emergencies?

and my biggest fear of all...

what if it doesn't work?

I have felt that Heavenly Father has been holding my hand through this entire experience
...since the beginning...
but my hand is still shaking with fear's...or tremoring. (a little MS humor)

I am trying to squeeze all the faith I can out of that mustard seed.
Allowing me to be able to stand and have the courage to conquer these fears.

Matt told me tonight that

Real faith is when you get off your knees,
and then you do everything in your power
to bring about what you are praying for.

So...even with all of my what if's?
I will now have faith AND courage to stand up and do my part.

even if
my legs are shaking...
but with fear this time and not from MS.

The Big Day or Days...

So I have my date...

my date to get

unclogged
router routed
unstuck
rerouted
cleared up
get things flowing again


January 3rd
Fly down to Costa Mesa, California
January 4th
My test day to see if I am plugged
January 5th
The big day of unplugging
January 6th
Follow up appointment with Doctor.
January 7th
My day to go to Disneyland.
January 8th
Fly home

Yes I said Disneyland...
So it HAPPENS to be only 11 miles from the doctors office.
And Disneyland HAPPENS to be my one of my favorite places to go...really.
So Matt said this trip is for me...so he is going to make sure going to Disneyland HAPPENS.
I love that man.
Technically I am supposed to stay in the area for two days after the procedure, so might as well make the best of it right?

Bad Plumbing?

Well I need to update, I would love to say all is well and I try REALLY hard to put on my happy face, but I just seem to be getting worse it seems...

I had my first fall a couple weeks ago. The connection telling my brain to pick up and move my right foot seemed to just not make it and down I went. Left a potato sized bruise on the top of my foot when I hit the vacuum on my way down to the floor. It happened so fast I didn't even understand it, but I knew my leg wasn't supposed to do that.

The spider crawling tingling and numbness that used to hang around only my feet have moved up to include my calves now in both my legs as now a daily constant companion.

The stabbing pain behind my eyes was a once in awhile symptom but now seems to have become a regular.

And now the new addition that has crept in lately is the jello legs. A weakness and balance disturbance in my legs, that seems to mirror the sensation of carefully walking across a log to cross a river, as each step needs concentration and focus. Bruises across my arms and legs attest to the fact that I have lost balance and wammed myself into a nearby wall or door.

And as recent as two days ago when making cookies with the kids, I was using a spatula to scoop a cookie up and all of a sudden in my right pinky finger I felt an electric pop, then a burst of spider tingles and finally it went completely numb for about 4 hours.

Someone sitting right next to me wouldn't have a clue that when I go to reach for my fork my hand tremors so bad that it is difficult to pick it up and sometimes I even drop it. It just looks like I overshot it and people drop things all the time.

MS is a very lonely disease and can be extremely depressing as you have no idea what each day will bring and have to thrown on a smile day in and day out. All the while having the greatest fear that all MS patients face, is wondering if this is the morning when you wake up and the numbness and tingling doesn't restore and we become wheelchair bound.

More times than not as I make my way across the soccer field to watch my boys games, and watch all the parents flow to the fields, I think, will one day I have to arrive in a wheelchair?

Or I think as I watch the kids dance around the Christmas tree, wondering will one Christmas in the future will have my sight have left me?

I didn't write this
to be Mrs. Gloom and Doom but to help understand the incredible blessing that Matt and I have prayerfully decided to embark on. This controversial treatment called The Liberation Treatment, has taken the medical community by storm and turned it on it's head. Essentially in a nutshell the theory is they have found a large number of MS patients have blockages in their veins, particular their jugular veins. Which in turn causes a backup of the flow of blood or a reflux back into the brain, which according to their theory may cause these lesions. This isn't a voodoo weirdo stuff. The best way to understand CCSVI in a nutshell is to watch the videos.

Now for the neigh sayers, we have not made this decision lightly. Through prayer and educating ourselves we have decided to fight aggressively in order to have the best quality of life while children are young and before I get any worse.
It is right for us.

And simply only those living with MS torturing their body or watching a loved one live day by day live with this disease would understand why this minimally invasive procedure is truly a blessing if it could help even one of my symptoms

so why wouldn't I try it?