Finally Made It

Finally 10 years later.
Matt and I return to visit my grandma in
Cardston, Alberta.

Also where 13 years ago two crazy kids were married.

For Forever and Always...

I remember growing up each summer and
driving the 12 plus hours to visit my Grandma and Grandpa.

We would arrive most often at night.... blurry eyed and half asleep...we then would be welcomed after what seems like days of farm land, shining brighter
than would ever seem possible
amongst the black of the night....
the temple.
It was a welcomed visitor in the black night
a piece of heaven just glowing with all it's might.

And it meant you had
finally made it.


Now years later as I drive my children in what seems like days of farmland and remember how I used to feel the first time seeing the temple each time I came, and being able to watch them experience that now too...these are now the
moments I cherish.



Now as I am older it has become more to me than just a symbol of beauty and majesty.
The temple especially now is both literally and spiritually
my bright spot in my darkness.

Blasting It

Press Play...
(mom...it is the one that is the shape of a triangle)



In high school...

I would love to drive around the city
by myself blasting my music singing at the top of my lungs...

In a city of millions,
I could disappear in the crowd of people and they wouldn't even notice or care
as they see me using my thumb as a microphone.
(Actually it was probably was pretty normal.)

It made everything I was thinking be put on pause and
go away...just for a moment, leaving just me and the beat...
always putting me in a really good mood.

In college...

I used to love to run on the track when it was dark
(okay... the "love" wasn't for the running)
by myself and blast my music in my ears.
but I refrained from singing...I might have classes with these people.

Now...

when life gets where I just want to be able to just slip away
and take time to just
breathe, smile, and sing loudly
with my thumb mic.

So last night I got in the car, all by myself
and blasted the music nice and loud
smiling the whole time.

I hope I don't recognize any of the people who passed me...this town is small.

Staying Put

"We all face those times
When our confidence fades
And the path of our life

seems unclear."

I saw this quote yesterday.

It about sums up how I am feeling.

I am not sure I have the strength to fight this one.

Since publicly bring to the surface
what has been common life
for me for quite some time.

All the different responses, reactions, discussions, and words sent my way....

I am more lost than ever.


I really just feel like standing still.

Can I do that?



I know in most scenario's standing still and doing nothing doesn't work out.

weight-
eventually you end up ten pounds heavier and completely flabbergasted how it ever got there?

testimony-
do nothing and you will get exactly what you put in. Dive in, and the rewards are heaven sent.

garden-
leave this one alone and you wonder if your neighbor came in and sabotaged it because there was no way you left that many weeds.

raising kids-
not a lot of standing still happening. But sometimes you take a" break" from certain areas and before you know it you can't believe they just performed the alphabet in burps, hasn't changed their socks in 3 days, and their flimsy attempt at teeth brushing will lead them to a smile that involves 14 quartet gold caps across the front and a backwards hat...then I realize some reteaching is in order.

eyebrow plucking-
do nothing on this one and one morning you look in the mirror and then instantly turn to yell at your husband for not telling you the state of eyebrows before going out in public, which are taking on a similar look to your garden.

your failing health-
can I break the rule and just do nothing?


I think I am going to try and see what happens.

I am not up for the fight or challenge...

I am just too tired, twitchy, hurting, dizzy and can't see too well.

so it really isn't a fair fight.

Recipe for Tears

Everyone has something that makes them cry.

Mine is my body....
I think I got a lemon.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to take a fun filled ride in the
ambulance to the hospital with a severe dizzy attack that landed me on my back with the world going around like a tilt a whirl on speed...
out of the blue
while walking on the track with some friends.


Constant marry go round dizziness
is common daily practice for me these days.

a few others too....

like...

electric buzzing in my legs
like I am standing on a vibrating machine, along with the occasional body tremors popping up under my skin feeling like little ants doing the macarana. They especially like to come out and play when I am typing or trying to put on eyeliner, surprising you all of a sudden by moving my finger round about like I am some miniature mechanical bull ride for them.

throw in a...

a little face numbness every once in awhile. Feeling constantly like your face is coming out from a trip to the dentist but clear up by my eye.

then add a pinch of

memory loss, loss of focus, brain fog
giving you a funny tunnel vision feeling.
So if I forgot your birthday let say this is why.

heaps of

body fatigue and muscle weakness, you know the kind that you are left with after you completed a marathon or walked through the park with those 5o pound weights strapped on your legs...except without the benefits of saying you completed a marathon and tone abs. Dang.

don't forget the...

Muscle cramps.
Where would I be without those dang muscle cramps in my thighs?
The ones that leave consistent bruises the size of golf balls on my thighs from trying to pound them out.
Ever have one?
Oh they are just great fun... Just take a seat on the couch, then lift your leg out straight and I will check in with your in about 5 hours.
Got a cramp?
Ya, me too.

Finally top it all off with...

the lovely bathroom surprise.

What is it, you say?
As soon as you sit back down after coming from the bathroom you are greeted with
a hot poker burning in my lady parts just to feel extra peachy.
Surprise!
And you don't even know if it will last 2 minutes or 2 hours.
Surprise!

Mix it all together...

Then what are you left with?

A recipe for big fat tears.

I think it is okay to cry

and say "this really sucks!"

once in a while.

Why?

Because it is then Heavenly Father is waiting for you with open arms to say.

I know and I am with you.

I think we all have our own recipe for tears.

Just different ingredients.

And I think
Heavenly Father is waiting for us to come to Him
with what we have. Waiting to cry to Him.

Some of these things have been happening
for awhile.
some came and went
and are back again with gusto
and others are new and very scary.

I had an MRI done a month ago...

they found spots.

high signal lesions was the techno term.

But they tell you...

it may be from migraines...

You know...the ONE ingredient I DON'T get.

Or they say it may be the big

MS

or they say...

it might not.

They have
poked, prodded, tested, & medicated

for a couple months,
then left me finally...

with less blood in my veins then when I started...
having read ALL the People magazines in the waiting room wondering what is going to become of Lindsay Lohan?
and ten pounds heavier thanks to these stupid little pills.

This has been a fantastic recipe.

finally my doc says....

she don't have all the pieces yet...call me with any new symptoms
(more ingredients!! My recipe is chalk full already.)





and...
you have my complete cooperation to go to the BIG city for more...
poking, prodding, testing, and medication...

can't wait.

Love it when they can finally admit the town is fabulous for
family values
great parks
low crime
strong community.

But if you have something more going on than a fish hook stuck in your toe.
(Doc Hollywood movie)

you best be moving on.

I decided that I shouldn't be punished for their lack of knowledge

So...pursue I will.

but...tomorrow.

For today...

I will just cry.

Perks

One of Matt's perks knowing
lots of
orchardist's
is
buckets and buckets of
FREE fruit fresh
off the vine...or tree.

Yum.

I ate more than I picked.

Grandma's Gold

"Look Hunter GOLD!!" my mom says.

"Ya...fools gold Grandma" Hunter replies

"Hmmm...I don't think so look at that piece right there. And look how it reflects the light. And ooohhh....LOOK it matches my ring so it MUST be real gold!" she says

"Really?! Wow Grandma you really think it is real?" he says

"Yup." Grandma replies.

"MOM! Look Grandma says it really IS real gold." Hunter says

"mom?" I say

"What?! It could be. You never know."

Tales from the Crypt

Grandma has something to check off of her list.

She had never experienced a peel off face mask.

She wanted to find one that peeled off, preferable green.

We found a great one and had a great time peeling our face off.

Grandma can know check it off her bucket list.

Jess and I had a great time trying to keep up with Grandma.

Death by Repetition

Time: 9:35 am
Place: In the kitchen unloading dishwasher.
Logan: "Can I have an ice cream?"
Me: "No honey, it is too early, and you just had breakfast."

Time: 10:35am
Place: At the computer trying to write an email.
Logan: "Can I have an ice cream?"
Me: "No, we are having lunch soon."

Time: 12:45pm
Place: Watering plants outside.
Logan: "Can I have an ice cream? I've eaten lunch."
Me: "Yes, but that is your only one, okay...OKAY?"
Logan: "okay, pinky promise"...(already in the garage going to the freezer)

Time: 1:55pm
Place: In the living room talking on the phone.
Logan: (whispering) "mooom...can i have an ice cream pleeaassee?"
Me: "huh, what...hold on. What?!"
Logan: "Can I have an ice cream?"
Me: "No! Geesh Logan, I am on the phone. You can have something healthy."
Logan: "if I have something healthy...then can I have an ice cream?"
Me: "LOGAN!"

Time: 3:40pm
Place: Making a snack and getting kids ready for quiet time.
Logan: "Mom, can we have an ice cream for quiet time?"
Me: "Lo-gan!!! Really?"
Logan: "Soooo....no?"

Time: 3:55pm
Place: Kids still having quiet time...
Logan: "Can we have an ice cream now?"
Me: "NO!"

Time: 6:10pm
Place: Sitting at the dinner table finishing up dinner.
Logan: " So mom what is for dessert?"
Me: "Um, nothing.. we don't have dessert every night sweetie."
Logan: "Can we have ice cream?"

Some days it is multiplied by three...I just know you will find me pecked to death by repetition.

This is Why...

Daddy's gift from the kids this year....a homemade DUCK TAPE TIE!

The kids and I worked together and made this beauty...

Because Matt is in the bishopric I was a teency weency worried he would not want to wear his handcrafted necktie from the kiddo's and I waited with baited breath as he opened it up and they all asked him right away...

"So you are going to wear it daddy?"

Enthusiastically he responds "Oh ya!"

THIS is just one of the billion reasons Daddy is superdaddy to the kids and to me.

As we walked to our seats this morning at church, the kids immediately looked to see daddy with his tie...and there he was, sporting his big. fat. brown. duck tape tie.

This is (and a billion others) why I just LOVE this guy.

Happy Father's Day Sweetie.

Smiling

My near 70 year old Dad
spent his time with his grandchildren this year...

... tubing down the raging river with us while we all feared for our lives....all with a smile on his face the whole time and not an ounce of complaint.

... jumping on the trampoline...because they asked him too.

... ice skating hand in hand with my children...because they wanted him to come.
(well this one ended him in the ER needing a cat-scan, and losing a little of bit of his memory but he was still smiling...didn't know where...but still smiling)

... throwing all the kids in the car and telling them...we will go anywhere you want to go.

... going to the park until THEY wanted to go home...so in other wards...HOURS!...and still come home smiling.

... telling stories to them...every time they asked.

... watching them...every time they said, "watch this!"...and still doing it even after the 102nd time.

(and that was just this year!)

My dad doesn't even know how to complain and always brings a smile with him where ever he goes. He exemplifies so many wonderful traits that I admire. I absolutely cherish when he comes and spends time with me and my family.

It is hard for my heart to even think that each year my dad has to sit it out a little more than the last. But even so, one of my favorite things to do is to find him on his bench where he is "sitting one out" and just "be" with him. To me, he just exudes peace, love, and joy and I love to be in his presence. I love you dad.

My Little Guy

Logan...my baby. My littlest one. My little guy. He is my last little baby. I can't believe he is growing up so fast.
We are launching a new product (details to come!) and now graphically drawing from scratch our designs. This is just my first rough sketch...what do you think? It isn't finished, I am still working on the pattern and colors.

I put my little guy into this design, his most prized possession is his little elephant he has had since he was a baby. This little elephant I made just reminds me of my little guy.